The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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