What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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