he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
