dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
