I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
babies were throwing up all over the place
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
