She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
