Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
