Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How does one acquire holy water?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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