I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Randomize
