Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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