He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
