If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
