hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have fence marks all over my body
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
