I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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