Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
