I want to make a zoo with you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
