Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
