Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
