After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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