I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
