When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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