I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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