I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
