My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
