I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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