I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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