life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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