he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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