Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
