Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
