The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
