I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
