not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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