if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
