And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
