i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
