ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There's always time for handjobs
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
