Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
