there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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