take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
