Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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