: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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