he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
