Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
