Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
