Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
