If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
