All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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