just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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