ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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